To say that the weeks since Lincoln was born have been crazy would pretty much be the understatement of my life. I was expecting to feel exhausted after having a newborn. I was expecting to have to make some major adjustments because of our new family member. What I was not expecting was to be back in the hospital with my husband just five weeks after our baby was born, and I certainly wasn’t expecting the news that we’ve received since that hospital stay.
We went into the hospital thinking Mike had food poisoning or something along those lines. After X-rays, an ultrasound, a CT scan, vile after vile of blood being taken and a biopsy, we left with the knowledge that he has kidney disease. I’m pretty sure we could not have been more shocked. There is still so much uncertainty right now that we don’t fully know what this means for our lives. One thing we do know is that unless God intervenes on our behalf, this is a chronic illness that we’ll be dealing with for the rest of our lives. So that’s why I’m feeling like Job, although in reality, I certainly don’t have it as bad as he did. I know this doesn’t come as a surprise to many people, but I tend to be a little dramatic sometimes.
There are two sides to me right now. My very human side and my more mature spiritual side. I find myself constantly trying to balance the two. I’m trying to give myself permission to be sad and angry and stressed, but to remind myself that I am a Christian, and as a follower of Christ I believe that God is always in control.
My human side is angry. Flat out. It feels incredibly unlucky to find out that your otherwise healthy 29-year-old husband has kidneys that are failing. It’s even more unlucky feeling to realize that there’s nothing we could have done to prevent it other than noticing the subtle symptoms early on. I’ve cried a thousand tears. I’ve been hurt that God would allow us to go through this. I can’t even express how upsetting it is to read a list of risk factors for kidney disease and realize that Mike doesn’t have ANY of them. Basically, it just is. There’s no rhyme or reason. I keep thinking that I don’t know how I can do this. I don’t know how I can take care of my husband and my son and keep all the balls I’m juggling in the air. My human side leaves me feeling incredibly overwhelmed and completely inadequate.
Then there’s the spiritual and more mature side of me that is fighting to be recognized by my pathetic, teary-eyed human side. All I can do is remind myself to find refuge and strength in the presence of God by repeating to myself the words of Scripture that I know to be true.
Psalm 23 has been my favorite passage for a very long time. It may seem cliche since it’s been recited so often, but I find it to be one of the most comforting passages in the Bible.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
And then there’s Job 2:10, which I have quoted to myself throughout my life when I find myself throwing a pity party.
But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong.
Spiritual me knows that I have to accept good and bad in life. I know that no matter what I’m facing, someone somewhere has it worse than I. I’m so very thankful that we’re not facing cancer. I’m thankful that I’ve been blessed with a husband who adores me and that I feel the same way about. Our greatest blessing is sitting next to me in his Fisher Price Rock n Play cooing as I type.
I am constantly reminding myself to let my spiritually mature side win the fight, but I’m only human. God knows that I’m trying my best. He created me and understands me fully. If you’ve made it this far into this post, you deserve a cookie or something. Like I’ve said before, this blog has always been a journal and is actually pretty therapeutic. I wanted to be able to keep a record of my feelings as I walked through this new phase of life. I definitely didn’t think my blog would include a post like this one, but that’s just life.
This Kari Jobe song is one that I’ve found myself playing over and over again when I need some encouragement.