I’m three weeks into this thing. I’ve got a lot of things figured out already and a lot of things left to learn. After a conversation with my best friend, Stephanie, I came to the conclusion that motherhood is the greatest conundrum to ever exist.
After 4 weeks of being mostly cooped up in the house, I have the worst case of cabin fever ever. I’m not a homebody. Never have been. Granted, the first week home I felt like I had been run over by a truck and then dragged behind that truck for 4 miles, so I didn’t feel like getting out too much. But the week before I had Lincoln, I was cooped up because I was on bed rest. Then I spent 2.5 days in the hospital. Now 3 weeks at home. The only thing that could ever cause me to stay at home this much is my baby. So many people have been sick that I’ve been hesitant to take him out too much. All of that needed to be said so that you could understand my state of mind. I’m going crazy here, but I’ve chosen to make myself crazy in order to keep my baby healthy.
Mike leaves for work around 9:00 am, and I usually don’t see him again until around 5:00 pm. I’ve sat here several days and thought how simple my life used to be just a few short weeks ago, yet there’s nothing you could offer me to make me take back my decision to be a mom. I’ve sat on my couch crying because I was so frustrated only to start laughing a moment later when Lincoln made some kind of cute face.
I definitely shed a few tears the first week as I felt the pain associated with pushing a small human out of an even smaller place. I’m a huge wimp. I’ve never claimed otherwise. Even though I’m super wimpy and borderline hypochondriac, I somehow managed to survive lots of needles and all kinds of umcomfy ailments during pregnancy, and I even survived labor and all the fun that comes with that. If I think about all that happened to my body (it will surely never be the same), it’s insane. But then I remember why I chose to torture my poor body, and I find myself telling my friends without children that it’s completely worth it.
Being a mom has already proven to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, and somehow the most incredible. Sometimes I think What have I done? Then I just look at Lincoln and realize for the millionth time that every sacrifice I have already made and every sacrifice I will make for him in the future is worth it. I’m still on maternity leave now, but I’ll be working part time again starting next month. I’m incredibly thankful to have the option to work and still feel mostly like a stay-at-home mom. I know some days will be crazy and reduce me to tears. (We’ve already had a few of those!) But I also know that my life would not be complete without my son, and I thank God every day for a healthy, happy baby that has already made my life so much sweeter.
So that’s why motherhood is a mystery. You love it and you hate it. It’s so stinkin’ hard and it’s also wonderful. You can go from crying to laughing in a matter of seconds. You make sacrifices you never imagined you would make. You realize that you were absolutely crazy for signing up for this job, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.
And here’s my reward for all of the things I’ve endured the past few weeks. See what I mean? Totally worth it :)